“Nothing about her is real. I’ve had her sitting in front of me for months and I didn’t see her. I didn’t hear her. I didn’t know her any better than everyone else.” (334).

You can feel the pain in Josh’s voice. How else should he feel? They have been hanging out for months and he just loses Nastya within a night. The emotions he is feeling are reaching a high. I know that feeling, to find what you know is a lie. It’s all too much. I can’t imagine coming home and she wasn’t in her chair, without the boots I bought, without being able to place a life to the face before me.

Hope you like the final passage.

Goodbye, thanks for joining me on this journey.

-Alex

Sigh… Poor Josh and Nastya. I sit and watch the destruction happen, feeling heartbroken. Here is my last connection…

I’m going to make a final emotional connection because that’s all I feel at this moment.

Nastya is self-destructing and the destruction involves everyone in her little “town” (Josh). She’s putting on a smile while smashing the buildings around her yet her own personal walls haven’t fallen yet. I honestly think it all ties to her obvious depression, what else? The man who ruined her also took away a part of her I wish I could have met in the story.

My connection, my final connection, is the connection about self-destruction of others when all you want is to purely deconstruct yourself. I’ve brought it up in other posts I believe, but my past is a thing I keep hidden in journals and secrets. I don’t talk about it purely because I don’t have trust in the people on this world. I did exactly what Nastya did to Josh.

I used to make friends, boyfriends, and completely tear them down while I was trying to destroy myself. Here’s a quote written by yours truly on my essay to get into my current school back before school started:

“I taught myself to not need anyone. I want some people around, but I have learned to depend on me and only me. I learned people will not save you, people tried though. When you are so buried in your own hell, the voices screaming at you to grab their hand aren’t the ones you listen to.”

This feeling Nastya has isn’t anything new, I saw her downfall from the beginning. It’s easier to tear others down so you have more weight pushing you down to your own downfall. The sex, the lies, the mystery, were all a part of Nastya’s messed up mental depiction of the world around her. And to be honest, I feel the author Millay wrote the feelings of depression, anger, angst, confusion, love, and hate in a very perfect way without making it look like a happy trip with the perfect ending.

I don’t know if this was a perfect connection, but that’s what I’m feeling. Tell me what you think.

This is the final chapter of my journey with Josh and Nastya- hope you have enjoyed.

Goodbye

-Alex

 

“Bullshit, Sunshine.” There’s no controlling my voice now. I am beyond pissed. “You lost your virginity because I wanted you to? Don’t you dare put this on me. I never would have done that to you'” (336).

Reading this scene reminded me of the scene my friends did in theater. They were arguing about their relationship and their last lines to each other were “Bullshit.” I think Josh has every right to be mad at her. Their night together was just as emotional for him as it was for her. How dare she turn it around like it was his fault, she knows it wasn’t either. He doesn’t deserve to feel like this. But his “Bullshit, Sunshine.” was the highlight of my day!! Everyone I’ve talked to today, I’ve told them about it. For some reason, the lines just stuck to my brain. 

-Em

1. Why would Nastya let Kevin touch her? We know why she stopped him, but why would you let him to start with?

I have no idea. Like, what was she thinking? I get that when you have a hard break up, you go out and do something stupid. But really? She just gave herself to Josh, and now she’s going to give herself to some drunk jerk at a party? I get her point about being ‘ruined,’ but that’s too far. 

2. “For a minute, or maybe just a second, Drew is frozen. There are so many emotions on his face that I can’t sort them all now. Confusion, disgust, anger, guilt, fear, horror. I wonder how bad my face is to make his look like that” (354). What do you think was going through Drew’s mind? How does it make him feel?

I think there’s a scene in every book where the reader is on the edge of their chair, waiting for the next thing to happen. How did Drew get the door open though? Nastya said the door was locked and that she couldn’t get it open because her hand was shaking, so how did Drew get in? Anyway, her assumption of his emotion based on his facial expressions is intricate. I know that when something happens to be, I go blank. I don’t have time to think about every little emotion. I think that Drew was in shock. He might have later felt all those emotions, but in the moment it was just white-fuzz and “what the heck is going on?”

3. Nastya gives small bits of remorse like “I’d trade my hand all over again to take back everything I did and hear him call me Sunshine” (376). If she misses him, and is willing to take everything back, why doesn’t she try to?

Josh feels bad about sleeping with Leigh after what happened to Nastya. However, they both went out and did something stupid. Maybe Nastya didn’t go to the party with the intent of being stupid, but it still happened. If she would just get over her feelings of not being good enough, or at least just open up to Josh, she wouldn’t be so alone. He wants her, she wants him . . . and we all know it. Why can’t they just listen to each other? Why can’t she just calmly explain why she did what she did?

4. How do you feel about Nastya’s confrontation with her killer? Were his actions justified in any way? Is there any way to forgive that? Did he do the right thing by turning himself in?

I was surprised, and on the edge of my chair (literally.) It was such a page-turning moment. I can understand his actions, but they seem so horrible that I can’t. I love my sister, but if she killed herself, I wouldn’t turn it over onto someone else. But then again, if she killed herself because of another person, because they hurt her . . . heck yes I would lose it a little and WANT to kill them, but I PROBABLY wouldn’t. Especially because in this case, Nastya had nothing to do with Aidan’s brother. I don’t think it’s forgivable, though its easier to think about forgiveness when it isn’t from your own life. I was surprised he turned himself in. But content.

5. How do you feel about the ending?

I think it was everything that needed to happen. By the end of the book, my emotions were entangled with every drip of ink. Before picking up the book this evening, I was happy (because I got out of class early), and within a few pages, I was in the same dark hell that they were. By the last page, I was relieved and had submitted to the final pages. 

Thank you for picking this book, Alex ❤

-Em

Here’s my passage this week.

“Natural response to what, Sunshine? Please keep talking. But she doesn’t. Just another random piece in a puzzle made of all the wrong pieces.” (319)

You can hear the pain in Josh’s thoughts when he truly wants to know what’s wrong. I love the puzzle reference. He keeps learning all these random bits of information and they don’t fit together- but maybe that’s the point. Because Nastya is Emilia. And Emilia has a completely different story.

-Alex

Woah, what an emotional section. Here are the questions- lay your emotions out there.

1. I wish I could post the whole quote, but refer to page 296 when we learn what happened to Nastya.

What were your thoughts as she re-experienced this moment? When he calls her a “russian whore,” what connections can be made to what she re-named herself?

This was intense and it was so raw. My heart just shattered for Nastya. What person could be that horrible to any person? I was almost crying. Poor Nastya. The whole “russian whore” made me wonder what was truly wrong with this guy. I feel she re-named herself something Russian because it’s her way of never forgetting.

2. 

“I hate that expression. . .I’d still rather say fuck than make love.” (300)

What does this moment reveal about Nastya? The way she rejects the word that involves two people being in love for the word that just means the sexual action?

This shows-to me- that Nastya is really scared of being that in love with someone. Her soul just aches for the love, but her past keeps her hiding behind a mask of sexual intent with a broken smile. She needs someone to come help her see the light in love or friendship. 

3. Refer to page 305.

Drew and Tierney. (How do you think they pronounce that name?) Tell me your thoughts on how Drew acted with Tierney. Do you think he still cares that he messed it up? Do you think his a-hole appearance is purely for show or his true personality?

I think he truly cared for Tierney. I can’t imagine he didn’t. I had an ex who did the a-hole appearance and eventually you learn it isn’t just an appearance. They care, sure, they care for you, but the attention- the thrill wins them over every time. He is a jerk to women, I refuse to believe other wise. But I will admit, he cares about some and I think he’d just might take a bullet for a couple.

4. Refer to pages 318-319.

Nastya talks about how she’d rather keep silent than lie. What do you think? Do you think that lying would be better or is the heart-breaking silence her family (and everyone else) endures is better? Why?

I think the silence has it’s pros and cons. Lying is never good, because it puts in people’s heads a reality that is all fake. But the silence kills her family emotionally. I’m at a loss.

5. Refer to page 331-332

They had sex. Wow. How do you think this will emotionally effect Nastya? How about the fact that Nastya was a secret virgin and Josh just took it from her without knowing? Do you think this will affect their whole relationship?

OMG THIS WILL JUST RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!! I can’t imagine this ending well for anyone. Nastya will get scared and feel love and leave. And Josh not knowingly taking her virginity can’t end well. This moment, this moment of pure love and intimacy makes me want to cry. Emma- you may say it was perfect and beautiful, but those last few lines lead me to believe this is going to emotionally mess up Nastya.

Have fun answering those. See you next time. -Alex

“And then his knee slips between mine, gently pushing them apart, and a moment later I can feel the pressure of him. I know the exact moment when he realizes- realizes one of the countless things I never told him. Because he stops right there. Suddenly eerily still. He’s not kissing me anymore. He’s staring at me, and his eyes are so close to mine that I think I can read his mind.

I know he’s going to say something, but I don’t want him to, because it will make me tell him things. He’ll make me feel sade and safe is something I should never feel again.

There are a thousand words in his eyes, but all he says is “Sunshine?” It’s not my name. It’s a question. Or maybe it’s more than one, but I don’t let him say anything else.

I reach around him, though I’m not sure this will even work, and I tilt my hips up and shove him towards me. And, for just a second, there’s tearing and burning, and then it’s done. I squeeze my eyes shut because pain is familiar and grounding and I’d rather give myself to that. I’m used to pain, and this really isn’t bad. It’s the look on his face that I’m not used to- awe, confusion, wonder and- please, please, please- don’t let it be love.

“Are you okay?” He’s inside me but he still doesn’t move. His hands are on either side of my face, and he looks like he’s scared of me.

“Yes,” I whisper, but I don’t know if it comes out. I don’t know if I’m okay. It shouldn’t be possible to be this close to another person. To let them crawl inside you” (331-332).

I don’t think much can be said about this. I think reading this, everyone feels something different. To me, this is one of the cutest ‘scenes’ I’ve read. I’m Team Josh 100%, and his reactions are so sincere. But I think the writing of this passage is amazing too. Because I not only understand how she is feeling, and what is going on, but I also understand how he is feeling. I think this scene is intimate without being overdone. I do admit, typing this up, I squirmed a little because the phrasing of some sentences (“he’s inside me”) creeps me the freak out! However, this passage made me blush more than 50 Shades of Grey. 

-Em 🙂

I have a personal connection this week 🙂

“He drove us two hours away for dinner, to a place where no one would know us, so that we could have a conversation. I want to laugh and cry and hug the living crap out of him” (290).

“‘Its the make love part that’s repulsive. I hate that expression. I could be sixty years old and I’d still rather say fuck than make love. Ichth.'” (300).

“‘I would chop that table up and use it for firewood before I would ever choose anything over you'” (313).

The boots ❤

My connection this week is to my best friend. Like Josh, I’m not one for the bf/gf labels, so we’ll go with best friend. However, over the course of reading this book, I am constantly seeing similarities between the book and my life. Josh is a sweet, kind and caring guy. He’s perfect, even with all his baggage. 

Last weekend I spent a lot of time with my bestie, Isaiah. To prove his dedication, he played House with my cousins and I. House. Like, pretending to be other genders and species, and the kind of fun we had as a kid. At sixteen years old, we spent the day playing House. Not that I think Josh would do that for Nastya, but I think what he does for her is similar. He made her a chair, he drove out of the way for a date, he bought her boots and he’s amazing to her. It’s the little things that count ❤

-Em

I have a personal connection this week. 🙂 Enjoy.

“So I sit. He’s on the backrest and I’m on the seat. We don’t touch. We don’t speak. We aren’t even at eye level with one another. And today, for the first time since I came to this school, the courtyard isn’t nearly so horrible after all.” (221).

This reminds me of when I became friends with my friend Kevin. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship and school was like a war zone. Friends fled, strangers stared, I’m pretty sure rumors I was pregnant went around 4 different times (yet I never gained a pound!). When bathroom stalls no longer provide comfort and the voices of the unspoken speak louder than the chatter in the halls- you need a friend.

Back to my connection- Nastya really dislikes this school and I hated mine. She hides during breaks and tries to be completely alone because she’s depressed and prefers to alienate herself. I would do that exact thing, whenever someone came up to talk to me was the downer of my whole day. When I found Kevin though, he gave me a place to sit. I hung with his group which eventually left but he always stayed- giving me a place to sit and suddenly my school didn’t seem so utterly horrible anymore.

Love ya Kevin.

Hope you enjoyed my story.

-Alex

“And then he does something that shocks even me. Josh Bennett, king of the brooding stoics, laughs. Josh Bennett laughs, and it’s one of the most natural, uninhibited, beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard” (218).

This scene just made me happy. His idea of the ice cream trough was so cute and creative, and his laugh just made it perfect. Also, this sentence structure is flawless. I love the way Katja Millay forms her sentences and story line. The flow is beautiful :’)

-Emma 🙂