72 Funny Jokes from Beautiful Women

An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing." The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbor?" "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

After robbing a bank, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blond, and she says, "Po-ta-to." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A guy is walking past an insane asylum when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curious, he finds a hole in the wall and looks in. Immediately he's poked in the eye, then everyone inside starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" Click here to learn more about the jokester!

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has only a day to live. He goes home to tell his wife, who asks what he wants to do with his final hours. Of course he wants to spend them having sex. They have great sex all night long. Finally, at about 2:00 A.M., his wife says she's tired and wants to go to sleep. He says, "Oh, come on, can't we just do it one more time?" And she says, "Look, I've got to get up in the morning — you don't!" Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. The blond starts sobbing uncontrol-lably. Confused, her husband says, "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved." After a few moments, the blond, still crying, asks, "How many is a Brazilian?" Click here to learn more about the jokester!

Three men wait at the gates of heaven on Christmas Eve. They're told they have to present a Christmas gift to get in. The first man checks his pockets and finds pine needles from his family's tree. He's allowed in. The second hands over a bow and some ribbon. He's allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" St. Peter asks him. "Oh," the man replies, "they're Carol's." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A man thinks he is a dog, so he goes to see a psychiatrist. "It's terrible," says the man. "I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I can't go past a lamppost anymore." "Okay," says the psychiatrist. "Get on the couch." The man replies, "I'm not allowed on the couch." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

What did the elephant say to the naked guy? "Fine, but can it pick up peanuts?" Click here to learn more about the jokester!

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women. Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress," he says. "You go and ask them instead." The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood of their car. The one nun says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out the window and shouts, "Get off our f--ing car!" Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex. The guy says to the girl, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time." The girl replies, "Hell, if I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad: "Hmm. You are my son, and of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential. Click here to learn more about the jokester!

This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A man with an incredibly small penis takes his new girlfriend to bed for the first time, and because he's not proud of his incredibly small penis, he insists that they turn off the lights. Once it's dark, he makes his move and puts his erection in her hand, and she says, "No thanks, I don't smoke." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Let's play a game. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, so long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and, one at a time, lays three 100-dollar bills on the bar and says slowly, "Paint ... my ... house." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the shit out of the dog. Click here for two more jokes from de Ravin, and to learn about the jokester!

A tourist couple driving through La Jolla start arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town. So they stop for lunch, and while they're ordering, they ask the cashier, "Can you tell us where we are? How do you pronounce it?" The employee replies, speaking slowly, "Burrrr-gerrrrr Kiiiiiiiing." Click here to learn more about the jokester!

An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, "Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything holy, he is your son." Then he passed away. The wife then said, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." Click here to learn more about the jokester!