(Permanent Musical Accompaniment To This Post)

Being our semi-regular weekly survey of what's goin' down in the several states where, as we know, the real work of governmentin' gets done, and where it wasn't me who made him fall so no, you can't blame me at all.

Let's start by cheering on Ohio Governor John Kasich for boldly stepping into the suburbs of 2016 by signing a law that puts Ohio on the, ahem, high side of medical marijuana. Before we cheer too loudly, though, let's acknowledge that Kasich is doing his usual two-step—signing the bill without saying whether or not he approves of what the bill actually does. As Cincinnati.com tells us, Kasich is acting out of what he tells the country relentlessly is the goodness of his heart.

Those suffering from epilepsy, chronic pain and the side effects of cancer treatments could soon be able to treat their pain with marijuana. Despite years of delays and opposition, state lawmakers passed a plan in May to legalize medical marijuana for those with a doctor's referral. Groups working to place a rival medical marijuana proposal on the fall ballot put pressure on legislators, but ultimately dropped their efforts after the lawmakers approved a plan. Kasich was quiet about whether he supported legalizing medical marijuana, saying only that he would follow doctors' recommendations and wanted to help children in pain. But he ultimately signed the bill, which will take effect in 90 days.

It is one of the fundamental principles of the shebeen not to criticize a good thing because it was done for the wrong reason, so a fairly good-sized huzzah to Governor Kasich for taking at least the risk he did.

OK, that's it for the compliments. Let's get on the bus to Batshit Junction now.

We begin in Philadelphia, where He, Trump has lost the vital straw poll to huge faux animals that blow confetti out of their snouts. Philadelphia Magazine has the results.

Public Policy Polling, a liberal-leaning polling firm that was judged the most accurate in 2012, recently polled Pennsylvania voters. And PPP found that citizens of the Keystone State find the Phillie Phanatic to be more qualified to be president than Donald Trump. It wasn't all that close, either: Forty-six percent of Pennsylvania voters surveyed said the Phillie Phanatic was more qualified to be president than Trump, with 40 percent saying they felt Trump was more qualified than the giant, green fuzzy mascot who doesn't talk. Fourteen percent said they weren't sure. Weren't sure.

More proof, as if we needed any, that most people who tell pollsters that they are "undecided" are liars.

Let's skip on down to Alabama, where another federal judge has told another group of retrograde lawmakers to pound sand. It seems that some people simply are never going to learn to leave well enough alone. Per AL.com:

U.S. District Judge Callie V. Granade, who is based in Mobile, issued the permanent injunction Tuesday in the case of Strawser v. Alabama, one of the lawsuits filed by same-sex couples around the state seeking marriage equality. The permanent injunction binds all Alabama probate judges and others "who would seek to enforce the marriage laws of Alabama that prohibit or fail to recognize same-sex marriage."

I'll bet you're saying right now, gee, I wonder what Alabama Supreme Court Judge Roy Moore is thinking, up there in the belfry as he hangs upside down by his feet. Glad you asked. He's being quiet because some people got offended when he marched off to Bull Run in his head again.

The charges against Moore stem from a complaint by the Southern Poverty Law Center regarding Moore's administrative order in January telling state probate judges that the state's marriage laws banning same-sex marriage are still enforceable.

Yeah, that argument passed its sell-by date at least three times since 1863.

We roll on up to Iowa, which we've missed greatly since we all were allowed to stop caring about it again last January. According to this dude who was interviewed by CNBC, some Republican folks in Iowa are so displeased with the prospect of voting for a vulgar talking yam that they're doing some vulgar talking their own selves.

Spiker agrees that the nation is at a crossroads, but says anti-Trump forces won't be silenced. "He is unfit for the Oval Office, and you are continuing to see that over and over again." Spiker said. "There has to be a bottom to this pit. But there is only so much dog s--- to choke down."

Those of us who passed Middle Earth looking for the bottom of this pit at least two years ago would like to wish Mr. Spiker luck in his quest. I hope he brought his own oxygen.

Just over the border in Minnesota, meanwhile, there's this state legislator guy who is tired of being squelched by the forces of political correctness, dammit, and he's not going to take it any more. (Perhaps He, Trump's only lasting political effect is going to be unleashing idiots like this guy.) People who get made dead by cops generally deserve to get made dead, and he's not ashamed to say it in The Minneapolis Star-Tribune. Some of Rep. Cornish's advice can be summed up by the phrase, "Hey, don't do crimes," but a couple of the others sound just a tad…oh, what's the word?...oh, yeah, racist as hell.

Don't be a thug and lead a life of crime so that you come into frequent contact with police.

(Don't be one of Those People whom the cops believe are living a "life of crime.")

Don't hang out on the street after 2 a.m. Go home.

(It gets dark. We can't see you. Of course, this is just a shot in the dark.)

Don't make furtive movements or keep your hands in your pockets if told to take them out.

(Furtive movements are in the eye of the beholder…with a gun. Know this.)

Don't flap your jaws when the police arrive. Don't disobey the requests of the police at the time. If you think you are wrongfully treated, make the complaint later.

(If you are, in fact, still alive.)

This is my favorite bit, though, as Representative Cornish becomes the Sixth Yorkshireman and explains that he had to go live in the lake.

I was born and raised on a farm, dirt-poor, with eight other kids. My grandpa served time in Stillwater State Prison. My dad only made it through eighth grade, and none of us nine kids has ever received a college degree. We didn't use that as an excuse to turn to crime. Here endeth the lesson. No charge.

There are 332 people living in Vernon Center and 98 percent of them are white, at least according to the last census, so Tony knows what's what. I wonder when his grampa got out of stir, though.

And we conclude, as is our custom, in the great stare of Oklahoma, where Blog Official Rainwater sommelier Friedman of the Plains brings us one of those things that cannot possibly go wrong, as described by the gang at OklahomaWatch.org.

The portable card scanners are designed to be carried in law enforcement vehicles, allow troopers to freeze and seize money loaded onto a prepaid debit card, and to return money to an account whose funds were seized or frozen. The vehicle-mounted scanners are also capable of retrieving and storing limited account information from other cards as well, such as banking debit cards, credit cards and "payment account information from virtually any magnetic stripe card," according to the website and patent documents of the device manufacturer, Texas-based ERAD Group Inc. ERAD stands for Electronic Recovery and Access to Data.

Don't worry, though, because, as we know, in Oklahoma, the "war" on drugs is not the corruption fiesta that it has become in virtually every other jurisdiction in the world.

The card readers will not be used to randomly swipe motorists' gift or prepaid cards, Vincent said, but only in cases in which the trooper suspects criminal activity is taking place. The device logs which trooper is using the device when a card is swiped. "If we have reasonable suspicion to believe there's a crime being committed, we're going to investigate that. If someone has 300 cards taped up and hidden inside the dash of a vehicle, we're going to check that," Vincent said. "But if the person has proof that it belongs to him for legitimate reasons, there's nothing going to happen. We won't seize it."

And I am the Tsar of all the Russias.

This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

Click here to respond to this post on the official Esquire Politics Facebook page.

Headshot of Charles P. Pierce
Charles P. Pierce

Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976. He lives near Boston and has three children.