UK Edition
How should parents react to children questioning gender roles?
Almost 1,400 children applied to have gender reassignment surgery in the UK last year, with referrals for young transgender people doubling.
The statistics from The Tavistock Clinic in London suggest that society is becoming more accepting of gender dysphoria as young people experiencing difficulties in the development of their gender identity are starting to get the help they need.
But it's still a tricky issue for many parents who are trying to understand whether their child is going through 'a phase' or is struggling with gender identity issues. It's something that even Angelina Jolie may understand.
In 2014, her then eight-year-old daughter said she no longer wanted to be known as Shiloh – she’d rather be called John. Her dad, Brad Pitt, disclosed in an interview that when he would call her ‘Shi’, she’d interrupt him saying, ‘I’m John’.
Now the whole family address her as John (so we will too), and at her mum’s Unbroken film premiere, she wore a suit and tie to match her older brothers Pax and Maddox. Back in 2010, Jolie told Vanity Fair: “She wants to be a boy. So we had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys’ everything. She thinks she’s one of the brothers.”
For many parents, behaviour like this can be a bit of a minefield. Of course, lots of girls like the same toys, clothes and games as boys. But what about when a child seems to 'want to be' a member of the opposite sex? Does this hint at gender dysphoria, or identity issues? Or is it just a natural part of growing up?
Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist and author of The Happy Child, says it's important not to overreact: “It could be so many other things that I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion,” she says.
For a child like John, her desire to be a boy could simply stem from having three brothers (although she does have two sisters, as well).
“Usually with a child, especially children with older siblings of the opposite gender, it’s normal to want to copy them and be like them,” explains Blair. “That’s quite a normal phase for a lot of kids.”
As a middle child (she’s eight, and has two younger siblings, three older ones) it could also be a desire for attention.
“A lot of times kids in the middle of a large family are looking desperately and legitimately for ways to get attention. So they’ll do whatever it takes to get it.”
More importantly, parents should remember that experimentation is a normal part of any child’s development. Most three to six year olds are obsessed with the idea of 'male' and 'female' - and the concept of ‘mummy and daddy’ - and this fascination can endure for some children.
It's natural for kids to explore genders
“To explore what it means to be both genders is also totally normal,” says Blair. “But the problem is we have suppressed it for so many generations, that people are still uncomfortable with it. You can’t become what you are until you know what you’re not.”
She says it’s even worse for young boys who want to wear dresses and show their emotions, as their parents can struggle to accept it. She explains that research shows mums tend to still act warmly towards a 'boyish' girl, but often cool off towards a 'girlish' boy.
Mermaids, a charity that provides support to families whose children have gender identity issues, says the majority of its calls from parents concern boys.
"This is probably not because gender-variant behaviour is more common in boys but because a little girl who's a tomboy tends to be less of a concern than a little boy who plays with Barbies,” the charity told the NHS.
But this attitude can be incredibly damaging for the child and is something that Blair thinks that parents need to work at accepting.
Parents need to just wait and see
“My reaction to a parent who’s saying 'my girl’s in jeans and doesn’t act like a girl', or 'my boy’s in dresses', is to say: watch, accept and see.
"Then, if it’s an attention issue, it’ll go away. If it’s exploration then they’ll have permission to do that. If it’s real, you’re giving them the time they need to make up their minds.”
Because, of course, these could also be signs that a child does have a serious gender identity issue, and could grow-up to be transsexual or transgender. Blair explains that if the signs have been going on for years, parents should approach a GP who can direct them to a gender identity clinic. This is especially important as their child reaches puberty and can more easily express themselves.
Don't rush the process
Before puberty, Blair says there’s no real need for a parent to take their child to see anyone.
“I think welcome it and see where it goes. There’s nothing that needs to be done. There’s nothing to be frightened of because it’s a really gradual process. [Even if the child needed hormone blockers] it would probably take two years of discussions.
“The worst thing is to rush it. This is such a major fundamental decision.”
It’s why she says that parents who are worried about their child’s gender behaviour should try their hardest to accept it, without involving doctors.
But on the NHS website, Ady Davis, a psychosexual therapist with the North-East Gender Dysphoria Service suggests that if a young person or child is showing signs of depression or distress, then parents should approach a doctor.
Accept your child for who they are
“If your child is very strongly identifying with the opposite gender to the point where it's causing the child or the family distress, seek help," he says. “Signs of distress in a young person or child can include self-harm, destructive behaviour and depression.”
However, the most important thing for parents to remember is that there are no real ‘warning signs’ their child will become transgender or transsexual.
It might be a natural part of exploration, a reaction to siblings and the family set-up. And even if their child does continue to have those feelings, they may not opt for surgery. They may end up cross-dressing, or simply taking hormone blockers. It’s why Blair stresses that all parents can really do at such an early stage is accept their child for who they are:
“Whoever your child is, they're not someone who’s ever been here before or will be here again. That’s more to celebrate than worry about. We think we know so much about genes and what we pass on. But this is an amazing person you don’t know - and you’re going to get to know them."
From the outside, it seems the Jolie-Pitt clan are happy to let John's fascination with dressing as a boy take it's natural course.
As Blair adds: "That's the most important thing".
If you are a parent or a young person who would like to discuss gender identity, call Mermaids on 0208 123 4819 and visit the NHS's website for more information