Relationship Fact or Fiction: Chivalry Is Dead

Published March 1, 2012 by Patty Brisben

FACT

We live in a day and age in which chivalry has become an ancient word. It’s old fashioned. Our kids don’t know what it means. And, quite frankly, most of us have forgotten what it means.

Chivalry is defined as “ the quality of the ideal knight,” or nowadays, the ideal gentleman. See? Even the definition is dated! But chivalry goes deeper than a definition. Chivalry is deep-rooted in how we find mates and what a woman was once supposed to look for in a man. Some chivalrous standards that are becoming extinct:

-A man holding a door open for a woman, letting her through first.

-A man opening the car door for a woman while entering and exiting the car.

-A man walking on the street-side of a sidewalk and letting the woman walk on the inside of the sidewalk.

-A man asking a woman on a date and arranging all the details.

-A man offering a woman his jacket when she is cold.

-A man standing up when a woman leaves the table.

These are just a few examples of behaviors that used to be a common standard for men. Now, when a woman sees any of these actions, she’s skeptical. It seems like it can’t be real or authentic. So why is chivalry dead and what’s happened to it?

The problem is two-fold. Men aren’t taught to treat women this way anymore just as much as women are killing chivalry when it appears. Women now want to prove their power so much that they shut down every behavior from a man that they see as something they could do themselves. By doing so, we’ve emasculated men to the point of their not wanting to try anymore. Why bother when women are going to shut it down anyway?

We have to get back to reminding our sons of being gentlemen and actually teaching our daughters to accept the generosity of it. A man should cater to a woman and be polite and respectful of her, and a woman should be able to accept that generosity with appreciation and grace. Men can lose the lazy act as much as women can lose the “I am woman, hear me roar!” act. If you are a secure, strong woman, you don’t need to shout it. You don’t have to push through doors—they will be opened for you. And ladies, it’s our duty to accept when a man has been polite enough to do so.

*Image Source

Love, Lust, Like

Published February 20, 2012 by Patty Brisben

I am endlessly interested in relationships (surprise, surprise), the status of them, and how to keep them going. With every conversation I have about them, love, lust, and like are the main players. I’ve spent time questioning how all three are related and whether you can have one without the other and vice versa.

Whenever I talk about this, I think of one of my favorite George Strait songs, “I Know She Still Loves Me.” Here are the lyrics:

There’s just a hint of indifference
In her lack of conversation when we talk.
And the subject matters change,
There’s no mention of our future now at all.
She still kisses me each morning,
But it seems more like a habit than before.

I know she still loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

She used to laugh at all my jokes,
But lately I can’t seem to make her smile.
And the last time we made love it was good,
But God it’s been a while.
She’s always there when I get home,
But she’s no longer waiting at the door.

I know she still loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

‘Cause it’s just a little colder every time I hold her.
She’s just going through the motions
From what’s left of her devotion;
And it scares me half to death
Wonderin’ what tomorrow holds in store.

I know she still loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

Right now I know she loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

What I think about love, lust, and like, is this: One leads to another, but one of these three things must ultimately sustain a relationship. Lust is the chemistry that leads to falling in love. You can be in lust with someone and never fall in love, but when love is reached, lust has played a part to get you there. Lust doesn’t last forever— but it definitely has the ability to come into our relationships in waves.

Love is the bond that holds you and your partner together. Love is so unique to each person that it’s hard to define. Even the Merriam Webster dictionary lists nine definitions for love. What I can say about the love between significant others is that your heart swells for that person. Love is loyal, trustworthy. Love lifts you up and supports you. Love means not putting everything else in life before your significant other. Love is not taking that other person for granted. Most importantly, all these feelings are reciprocal in a healthy, love-filled relationship.

Though love gets all the credit, like is what keeps love alive and sustains it. If you don’t have that like for each other, you have nothing. As George Strait sings, “I know she still loves me, but I don’t think she likes me anymore.” He explains how his wife no longer laughs at his jokes, their conversation is lacking, and that his wife is just going through the motions. The way George sings this combined with the lyrics, I get the impression that he is most hurt by the fact she doesn’t like him anymore. He longs for the days when his wife liked his company so much that everything was happy, enjoyable, and passionate. The second a person in a relationship loses the like for good it impacts the other half.

LUST gets you to LOVE and LOVE may always be there, but LIKE will continue to stoke the fire in your relationship.

Being Single on Valentine’s Day

Published February 14, 2012 by Patty Brisben

Below is a blog post I wrote that was featured on Girlfriendology. Please enjoy!

Being in the business of romance, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about and focusing on Valentine’s Day. Of all the V-Days I’ve celebrated, there is one Valentine’s Day I will never forget. It was the Valentine’s Day that made me decide to be present and active in this holiday.

Years ago, at the end of a busy workday, I had to go to Kroger to pick up things for dinner. Not realizing what day it was, I walk into Kroger and see hoards of men scrambling throughout the store. The shelves were empty and most of the carts were taken. Then it hit me: these men were hustling to find something for their wives, girlfriends, and significant others for Valentine’s Day. They were doing whatever they could to keep themselves out of hot water.

I took a step back and observed all this. Having just come out of a relationship I thought, “Please God, never let that be me. I don’t want to be with one of those men who’d just grab anything.” I know that sounds a little harsh, but when you’re in a relationship, it’s usually a decision between the couple whether they’re going to celebrate Valentine’s Day. If it is a mutual decision, I sure would hope that both parties put forth real effort. And if he or she doesn’t, it’s not a promising sign. Some planning and thought would be nice, and we all deserve that.

After witnessing a Kroger full of men shopping last-minute, I was thankful— thankful for the fact that I had so much love in my life from my girlfriends, my family, and myself. I finally felt OK to celebrate Valentine’s Day in my own way. I made a promise to myself to always honor love on Valentine’s Day (and beyond) and spend the day however I want. As long as I stay present and allow myself to feel the love of my friends and the love I have for myself, I will have a successful Valentine’s Day.

I’ve redefined what a “good” Valentine’s Day is. For me, it’s a nice dinner out with my friends, drinking some wine and cheating on our diets. It doesn’t even need to be a dinner out! Having my friends come over to my house and contributing their favorite dishes is a great way to honor one another. People put their heart in cooking; what better way to celebrate a day of love than over a home-cooked meal and endless hours of conversation? A “good” Valentine’s Day can also be a movie night or a night to myself.

I realize that Valentine’s Day can be challenging for single women. But we all have the choice to honor all the love in our lives that day. Refuse to take yourself for granted. Celebrate your girlfriends—celebrate yourself. Stand firm in who you are and be thankful for all the wonderful things you are. Make your V-Day a celebration of that, not just a commercial afterthought.

Re-Blogged from: Girlfriendology.com

Season of Love

Published February 13, 2012 by Patty Brisben

When February rolls around, we all have one thing on the brain: love. Thanks to Valentine’s Day’s fast approach, February makes us focus on the status of our love lives (or lack thereof) and what we’re going to do about it. While thinking about one’s love life is normal, people tend have one type of love in mind—romantic love. Who’s dating whom? Will I be single forever? What will I do for my significant other? These are the questions that dominate in the season of love. But why not focus, instead, on all types of love.

Classic Greek literature describes three types of love: Storge, Eros, and Phileo.

Storge is familial love, or the type of love you have for a family member. This is a type of love that isn’t by choice; it’s inherent and built within the family structure.

Eros, the root of the word “erotic,” is romantic love—the type of love that typically is capitalized on in February. This type of love is based on chemistry you have with another. Similar to storge, you have no choice with whom you have chemistry. For example, if you’ve ever met someone who is generally attractive but haven’t felt attracted to that person, you know that chemistry isn’t up to you!

In ancient Greek culture the third type of love was regarded as the highest form of love, and that is phileo love. This is the type of love you have for a best friend. What makes this love so incredible is that it isn’t an involuntary love. This is a love that you choose. You can’t choose your family members and you can’t help whom you fall in love with, but you can choose who your friends are.

Love for a best friend is unlike any other love in that you actively choose to make sacrifices for your friend. Think about what lengths you would go in order to save or protect your best friend, and think about everything your best friend would do for you. I recently listened to a speech about these types of sacrifices we make for friends, and it really put my love for my friends into perspective.

Think about how you will tell your best friend whether you agree with her choice. We sacrifice the possibility of a best friend not liking us for a while in order to tell them the truth, push them forward, and help them in some way.

The message also touched on how we put aside our ego to celebrate and rejoice when our best friends achieve something that’s better than what we have. Friends simply don’t have the competitive side to their relationship—it’s full of support instead.

The last sacrifice that we take on is that we own each other’s problems. When my friends are going through something challenging or heartbreaking, my heart breaks as well.

Every year I go into Valentine’s Day with my business hat on, and every year I end up learning something new about love. This year’s message was loud and clear to me and very timely in my own life. Valentine’s Day for me this year will be a celebration of the love I’ve chosen to give. I do make sacrifices for the love I’ve chosen. If that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is.

My hope for all of you is that you use February and Valentine’s Day to honor and cherish all types of love in  your life.

*Image Source

Dear Cupid

Published February 7, 2012 by Patty Brisben

Dear Cupid,

I’m writing to you to ask for a little assistance. You are the perfect cherub for the job, as we’re both in this love business together. We’d make a dynamic duo, I swear. We can change the world, one relationship at a time! Before I make my request, let me share a bit of a story with you.

At the beginning of 2012, I had an idea to commit myself to writing down one thing about the day that I’m thankful for. At the end of every night, I write this one thing. I set out doing this to help me see all the good in my life, and to see how the bad can turn out to be good or teach me something new. I believed that by focusing on one good thing every night, I’d see more good in my life all the time.

My decision to do this was confirmed just a few nights ago. I attended a seminar by the esteemed Dr. Andrew Weil. His seminar was about how to be the happiest, healthiest you there is. One of his suggestions was to take one week, carve out a time each day, and write down what you’re thankful for. Dr. Weil referred to studies in which people who kept daily gratitude journals reported more satisfaction of their lives and were more optimistic about their lives. Additionally:

“A third study reproduced the results among a group of people suffering from various neuromuscular diseases, including post-polio syndrome, which has symptoms similar to those in CFS. People using daily gratitude journals reported more satisfaction with their lives and were more optimistic about the future than the control group. Interestingly, the gratitude group also reported getting more sleep, spending less time awake before falling asleep and feeling more refreshed in the morning.”

Dr. Weil  and this research reaffirmed my belief in what I was doing with my own gratitude journal, but what he was saying made me think about more than just an individuals life. I thought, “What if this was applied to relationships?” I truly believe this could be the key to better couples’ relationships.

Cupid, this month, please give couples around the globe an assignment to write down one thing they’re thankful for about the other person each day. Our world is so negative that we’re constantly seeking happiness. What we don’t do, though, is actively try to remove the negativity; we simply look for something else. By writing out what one is thankful for in their significant other, it helps bring satisfaction to the relationship. When you focus on the good, there will be more good in your life and in your relationship.

It’s a simple, proven solution. It helps individuals appreciate their lives more—it could help couples appreciate their significant others more, too. I know that with your help, we can make this happen! So are you in?

Thanks,

Patty

Monthly Goal Check-Up

Published January 30, 2012 by Patty Brisben

This month, I’m taking on the challenges that come with New Year’s Resolutions in order to figure out exactly how one can make sure she makes good on her promises, goals, and resolutions. Read my past posts and weigh in!

We’re nearing the end of January—how are you stacking up to the goals you set? At the end of January and every month in 2012, answer the following questions to see how you’re doing with your resolutions, goals, and dreams!

1. How do you think you’re goal(s) are coming along?

2. What are you doing, every day, to contribute to your goal(s)?

3. What can you do better next month to ensure you’re striving for your goals?

4. Is there anything you want to change about your goals, or anything new you’ve realized about them? If so, what would that be?

5. When do you find yourself to be least motivated?

6. What gives you a burst of motivation?

7. What makes you completely forget about your goals and what can you do about that?

8. On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not at all and 10 being extremely, how much do you still want to achieve each of your goals?

9. Think about the reasoning behind your grading.

10. How are you rewarding yourself for making progress with your goals?

Complete this questionnaire at the end of every month if you are serious about your goals. Make your dreams a reality! It is up to you.

Giving Change a Chance

Published January 17, 2012 by Patty Brisben

This month, I’m taking on the challenges that come with New Year’s Resolutions in order to figure out exactly how one can make sure she makes good on her promises, goals, and resolutions. Read my past posts and weigh in!

Change. It’s a funny thing that humans both crave and resist. By nature we’re restless, indecisive people. We’re tired of the car we have now, but seek a new car that has the same features as the old. When you search for a new pair of boots for winter, you want something fresh, but don’t want to stray too far from the boots you had last year (or is that just me?).

January for me is proof that we are all resisting change. Change that forces us to come out of our comfort zone and step into the unknown. Often, when we’re trying to change something about ourselves, we find it incredibly hard. Maybe the change itself isn’t as hard as the challenge to commit to ridding ourselves of what the old version of the habit was like and how comfortable it feels. It’s easier for us to return to what we know so quickly that we barely give change a chance.

Take exercising, for example. Let’s say that your revamped routine—your 2011 routine simply consisted of the elliptical and maybe a fitness class here and there. For 2012 you add in pilates, weights, and spinning. As you go about your new routine, challenges arise: you test your limits and take chances. After a week or so of the new routine, you say, “Forget this. I like what I know. It’s fine.” It wasn’t necessarily the new routine; it’s the fact that you are unwilling to take on the challenge and push yourself. And this is ultimately what gets in the way of your success.

Maybe what it comes down to is that Americans are too much a culture of ease. We like things to be fast, easy, and simple. That’s why there’s a Starbucks on every street corner and we live on meals that are ready-made in five minutes or less. We have a reputation for wanting the greatest output with as little input as possible. It’s easier to drive up to a window and buy a meal than it is to rearrange our schedules to buy the groceries, to chop vegetables, and then cook the meal.

On the other hand, we’re also a society of classic overachievers, striving to do so much in every aspect of our lives that personal goals take last priority. We want to be the best at our jobs, to fulfill our kids’ every need, to be a perfect wife, to be the most understanding employee, to be beautiful, skinny, smart— I could go on and on. Our culture is driven by a false sense of security surrounding success, and the easiest success to measure is the sort that can be seen and therefore noted by others. We thrive on recognition and knowing that we’ve worked as hard as possible. But by stretching ourselves beyond the limit, we shelve our personal goals.

Now let’s practice last week’s self-compassion lesson. Be kind to yourself! Celebrate every small achievement. Put your personal goals first. And finally, know you will get through a change. Remind yourself to embrace change. At first this might feel weird, but it will get easier and you will be happier in the months to come.

Mental, physical, financial—whatever your goals are, working through the un-comfortableness will be worth it. Be patient, be kind, and welcome the change. You are worth it!

*Image Source

The Key Is Compassion

Published January 9, 2012 by Patty Brisben

As we strive to achieve our goals this month (and hopefully throughout the new year!), it’s easy to become overwhelmed with wanting to do so much in so little time. By the end of January, we have plans of grandeur that we hope we’ve accomplished. One thing we must remember is that goals aren’t always cut and dry. Sometimes goals are just like humans: a constant work in progress.

What’s common for women to do when they set up their resolutions is that they feel guilty when they’ve slipped up. You’re probably familiar with how this goes. “Well, I already ruined my diet with those fries at lunch. Screw the rest of the day. I’ll restart my diet tomorrow. I am a failure!” Dramatic? Sure. But it’s probably not that far off from what’s happened in your own life. We slip up and then we berate ourselves. For some reason, this is just what women have a tendency to do. One slip-up and we call ourselves worthless failures with no talent or qualities to be proud of.

What separates people who achieve their goals from people who don’t might be how kind one is to herself. New research suggests that people who are more compassionate toward themselves are more likely to be happy and less likely to be depressed. After falling off the wagon, a self-compassionate person tells herself, “Whoops! I made a mistake! It happens. Oh well, let’s start over right now.” A person who is not compassionate with herself thinks, “Ugh! I am terrible. Why am I even trying to be healthy? I should just quit.” Now, which attitude do you think will get you somewhere? Exactly!

We’ve already taken care of the details of our resolutions and goals. What you need to do now is tend to the emotional side of your goals. Be mindful of not just the emotions that made you create your goals, but the emotions that accompany your actions when trying to achieve them. Pat yourself on the back when you’ve smoked one less cigarette, volunteered an hour at a food bank, or made it to the gym more than once a week. Don’t fall into a uncompassionate mindset that says you didn’t do well enough, that you should have smoked less, you should have spent every afternoon volunteering, or you should have made it to the gym every day. One small success leads to a multitude of greater successes down the line, so don’t waste your time feeling bad about a slip-up or the feeling that you haven’t done enough. Compliment yourself instead!

I believe that being kinder to yourself might make you more likely to achieve what you want. At the same time, though, it’s important not to confuse being kind to yourself with lowering your expectations or standards. Just because you’re cutting yourself some emotional slack doesn’t mean you should start to think you can’t achieve something and nix your goals altogether. Your standards for yourself can absolutely be high, and you can still manage to be nice to yourself when things don’t go according to plan.

What all this goal making and self-compassion comes down to is this: When you care about yourself, you care about choices. When you treat yourself well, you make choices that affect you in a positive manner. Keep this in mind as you continue to make progress on your New Year’s Resolutions. You are your own worst enemy, just as you are your own solution.

*Image Source

New Year’s Resolutions: Making Them Happen!

Published January 5, 2012 by Patty Brisben

Happy New Year! We’re finally back—by now I hope you’re back to work and off to a great start. Welcome to the year of the Dragon! A sign of success and happiness, the Dragon year already promises great things ahead, and you’re probably already promising yourself a success-filled year ahead, too.

On January 1, Americans tend to be the most optimistic about the year to come. We all set plans of greatness for the next year. Everything goes perfectly at first. We exercise regularly, we eat more vegetables than usual, and we haven’t touched alcohol in days. We zoom along this path for maybe a few weeks before the inevitable happens: the rest of our lives get in the way and we forget our grand goals.

Below, from TIME, are the top 10 commonly broken New Year’s resolutions:

1) Lose weight and get fit.
2) Quit smoking.
3) Learn something new.
4) Eat healthier and diet.
5) Get out of debt and save money.
6) Spend more time with family.
7) Travel to new places.
8) Be less stressed.
9) Volunteer.
10) Drink less.

Aren’t you tired of never resolving your resolutions? I know I am. Instead of dwelling on failure, though, it’s important to acknowledge what’s going wrong here.

One aspect of goal making that sets people back is that they tend to set themselves up for failure. A lot of times, goals aren’t specific enough. Take the first from the list, for example. “Lose weight and get fit.” OK, great! But how much weight do you want to lose? And what’s your plan to lose that weight? We know the “what” but we don’t know the “how’s”. What happens is that people have an idea but they don’t have a plan. When it comes to resolutions, whether you achieve them is in the details.

Here’s how I aim to make my resolutions happen in 2012: by being specific. This means writing out my goals as such:

Resolution: At the end of each day, I want to be thankful for something.
Why I want this: To help me see all the blessings in my life, even in the events that don’t go the way I planned. There’s always something to be learned.
How I’m going to make it happen: Keep a calendar in which I write down every night what I’m thankful for on that day.
Deadline: Ongoing. No deadline. Just write at least one thing I’m thankful for every single day.

By detailing my goals, I’ve given myself directions on how I can really make this happen. Instead of aiming for a general goal, I’ve made it very specified. This helps me see my goal more clearly, and also helps me see how attainable it truly is. I’m seeing the how’s and why’s of my goals instead of the hopeful end result.

In 2012, I’m making a commitment to myself to stick with my top goal. It can be something small or something huge; it can be giving up something or adding something to your routine. Whatever your resolution is, my wish for you is that it enriches your life. And whatever it is, commit yourself to it. Figure out your what’s, why’s, and how’s, and you’ll be set. Here’s to an incredible new year!

A Very Special New Year’s Eve

Published December 30, 2011 by Patty Brisben

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup!
and surely I’ll buy mine!
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Instead of singing the traditional song “Auld Lang Syne”, which translates to “old long since” or “days gone by,” my family and I will be celebrating of the end of one chapter and the beginning of another in a different way.

Every year, we kiss the past goodbye and dive into the future. New Year’s Eve is like a marriage to the New Year. We fully dedicate ourselves to it and trust it with everything we have. On this New Year’s Eve, my daughter will be leaving not only entering a new year and starting a new era. She is parting from one family to join her husband in founding their own. Lauren and her soon-to-be husband Andy will start their life together in marriage as soon as 2011 ticks over to 2012.

I’ve always loved New Year’s Eve because it’s starting anew. Ahead of you is a blank canvas that you can turn into anything you want. For those, like my daughter, preparing to wed in 2012, you have to consider what being a wife means today and what marriage brings to the forefront. One of the things you’ll learn is that what you put into your marriage is what you get out of it—and marriage is hard work!

Over the years I’ve heard it all, but more commonly nowadays I’ve been able to find a common theme. Women young and old, engaged or married, are struggling to find the definition of what it truly means to be a wife and how to be a wife without losing yourself.

Biblically, the bonds of marriage are to supersede everything else, for better or worse – in sickness and in health. But do those vowels really overcome lack of desire, boredom, unhappiness: the power of marriage is supposed to remind the couple if their commitment to overcome any issue that comes their way.  However,  Culturally, we are still figuring out who should play what role; can the woman be the breadwinner?; can the man be the stay-at-home dad?  The answer is Yes, if that works for you and your spouse.

Millions of women have felt the pressure of needing to give up her own dreams, hopes, and life in order to fulfill her husband’s wishes or to fill the role she thinks he wants her to fill. It’s natural to be nervous about stepping into new roles. But know that you don’t have to give up anything; you just have to rearrange. Self vs. Wife and Mother vs. businesswoman—it’s all possible. You just have to figure out how to make each situation and dream work for you.  No one can define your marriage or relationship for you but you. And by the way starting anew does not mean forgetting the rest of your roles.

Unfortunately, our society is not this way. We live in a world of consumerism. In America and a large majority of the world, when something is broken, we toss it aside for something new. With marriage, a couple has to work through the sometimes difficult and ugly circumstances that occur instead of merely escape them. Again, what you put into your relationship is what you will get out of it. That said, over the past three decades I’ve been blessed to recognize that people have want to believe in love, marriage and the power of the relationship – and the hope that they are willing to do what it takes to communicate, spice it up or start anew.

My New Years wish is that each of you recognize that as humans, with the power of choice it can be hard deciding what idea to support. But it’s time to recognize what the majority of couples fail to realize: that marriage and your definition of it, as well as your role within it, is entirely up to you and your partner. You can define it however you want. It doesn’t matter what your best friend’s or parents’ marriage has been like; the inner workings of every couple is and should be different. There is no right or wrong. At the end of the day, you have to know that you’ve both contributed to your relationship and to making it work.

And truly take into account that we ALL (including you) have our faults. Our partners do, too. Sometimes, because of our egos, we can’t set the past aside and we let our past errors affect our future. Until we choose to work through our feelings of the past or we choose to leave the past behind, we can’t get beyond the negativity. You have to stop and forgive yourself as you go. Be kind to yourself and realize that what’ you’ve gone through happened in order to confirm what you do or don’t want to do in your future. Forgive as you go along, and be sure to forgive your partner, too. The hardest thing for couples to do is to give and treat each other with grace. This is something to strive for in all your relationships: the one with your partner, your family, your friends, and most importantly, yourself.

Whether you’re single, engaged, on your way to the altar, or wed, the New Year offers everyone an opportunity to refresh their relationships (even your relationship with yourself). Treat the New Year as a new chapter in your relationship. Evaluate what your relationship is like now, what you love about it, what you’d like to change about it, and how you can make your relationship even better.

Give grace where you would want it given to you.

It’s never too late to make things better. It’s never too late to start working on your own dreams again. And it’s never too late to find true, respectful, lasting love.

*Image Source