I had a good, long think about what I would write
this week. My life may have barely started (I am three-and-a-half,now!), but it has indeed been eventful, in both good - and bad -
ways. My predecessor could compete with me on the drama scale, as
well, so given that this Blog is about both our lives, I was spoiled
for choice, as nothing particularly “stood out” for me in terms
of what I wanted to talk about.
After much personal soul-searching and thought,
however, I decided that now - whilst I have the courage for it - is
my time to discuss what I have always referred to as “The R Word”,
aka* rape.
NB: For obvious reasons, I must advise that some people may find this post distressing, but I have tried to make it as positive as possible, as with all my Blog posts.
- - - -
I have briefly discussed my (here and here) - and Cherie (here) - having
been through the traumatic experience on multiple occasions, and it
was very, very difficult to write about, for obvious reasons. I have
never truly been able to physically talk about it with friends,
family or even mental health professionals, either. Even the
mentioning of the word in media, conversation, or “comedy”, etc,
literally makes me cringe, my heart races faster, I lose my breath, I
have flash-backs, and I get very upset. I cannot even say the word
aloud. I simply refer to it as “R”, and hope or presume that
others will know what it is that I am referring to.
I am not the only victim of sexual assault that
experiences this. In fact, it is quite common. Months or even years
after such an experience, our assailants essentially still have power
over us, because of this, and I have decided that that needs to STOP.
I am taking a personal stand against those bastards
who do these things to women (and men), and taking back the POWER for
those of us they have hurt.
- - - -
 |
| This photograph - you would no doubt be surprised to know - was taken not long after my "mild" sexual assault**** last year. I find that it is very important to try to embrace the fact that I am still alive, that I survived, and try to have a happy, fun time as often as I can, no matter what. |
- - - -
I am planning a step-by-step program for myself, which I shall share with all of you, and if you too are a victim I want you to join me.
Firstly, I am
going to stop referring to myself as a “victim”, and replace that
word with “survivor”. Doing this shall take some thing negative
and replace it with some thing positive, and it takes the power away
from the man (or men - plural - in Cherie's case) who did this to us. I want to take back my life!
Secondly, I am
going to try to say the word, aloud, at least once every day. I am
hoping that the more that I say it, the less of a taboo it shall
become for me and the less power it shall have over me. I want to be
able to hear it without fearing it.
- - - -
 |
| Cherie is a prime example of what I am aiming for. She had been through horrible sexual experiences, but remained a sexual person. This photograph was taken at The SFX Weekender, a month-or-so before she "killed" herself. |
- - - -
Thirdly, I am - and this is difficult given my virgin** status and my attempt to overcome my love addiction - going to take back my sexuality. At present, I am struggling to look in the mirror, to take off my clothing, to find a man (or woman, should I ever choose that sexual preference) attractive or think about kissing them (etc), and the idea of sexual interaction, to be quite honest scares me and even shames me, in a way. I cannot even partake in personal pleasuring, let alone be intimate with a partner, all of which is “perfectly natural” (as my doctor and therapist and friends all tell me), because again, I feel shame. This is quite simply not fair and I intend to change this.
Being a victim -
or rather, survivor - of sexual assault is nothing
to be ashamed of. The person (or persons)
who forced themselves onto us are the ones who should be ashamed.
When we feel shame for what they did, we are empowering them, even if
they are no longer in our lives, and even if (I hope this is the
case***) justice has been done and they are serving time inside a
jail cell.
- - - -
 |
| Cherie (right) and our mother (left) pole dancing at one of Cherie's Birthday Parties. Again, this is a prime example of how she was able to embrace her sexuality, even though she was a victim of multiple sexual assaults. |
- - - -
This is why I am going to promise myself that when I remove my clothing, I will look at my naked body and - much like I discussed earlier with the word “rape” - I hope that the more that I do this, the less of a stressful experience it shall become. I need to keep looking at my unclothed body and I need to try to think positive thoughts, not negative ones. I need to be proud - not ashamed - of it.
After all, if I
cannot even look at my own naked body, how will I ever be able to
have a consensual, loving, sexual experience? If I were to remove my
clothes in front of some one today, I have no doubt that I would
literally break down into tears, and I do not have to tell you that
that would be quite a mood killer!
I am also going
to dabble in flirtation, and experiment with my wardrobe gradually to
try to wear things that show a little (not too much, as I am
naturally a very modest person) bit of skin.
On a side-note, for those of you who have a sex life to speak of, I have been advised that it is very therapeutic to replace negative sexual experiences with positive ones; which again is about taking back your body as yours, making sure that you are able to say “yes” - or indeed, initiating the foreplay yourself.
- - - -
My body literally
shook for the entire duration of writing this post, but I am proud to
say that I did not cry a single tear, so there is definitive progress
being made here. If I cry, I am again empowering my assailant.
- - - -
If I follow these
steps and I am brave, and of course with the help and support of my
loved ones, I have every confidence that I can overcome past
experiences and move on to become a confident, sexy woman.
I hope that, if
you are a victim - sorry, survivor - yourself, or indeed you know
some one who is, you will read this post, share it, and join me on my
quest for full recovery. It will not be an easy one. As I always say
to people (one of my "Illi-isms"): “Nothing in life worth any thing is ever easy”, and
this is a truly worth while goal; to be able to take back our lives
again!
So, I am sending
you all my love and support and God's Blessings in your efforts, or
the efforts of your friends or family who might be suffering, and I
pray to God that I, and all others, will be able to lose the taboo
and trauma of the experience and embrace that we are alive,
we are well, we are SURVIVORS not victims, and that life is once
again worth living and enjoying.
- - - -
NB: Post Traumatic Stress is a serious condition often suffered by those who have suffered from sexual assault, and although I have not discussed it in this entry, I shall be giving the topic my full attention at a later date.
If you have any more recovery suggestions, do please Comment and share them with myself and your fellow readers.
* Also known as
** Although technically
not, I consider myself to be this, as I have not experienced
consensual intercourse
as yet.
*** Sadly this is
not the case with me.
**** This is what the authorities referred to it as, as it was not rape, "only" unwanted touching. I shall discuss this at a later date.
