It's naïve to be surprised after any Bachelor/ette breakup, but you're not alone if you were shocked when Andi Dorfman — first a contestant on Juan Pablo Galavis's infamous season of The Bachelor, then star of season 10 of The Bachelorette — suddenly split with fiancée Josh Murray in January 2015. Maybe because they seemed happy on a red carpet just days before they announced they were over. Maybe because, in a first of its kind behind-the-split interview with host Chris Harrison, Andi's heartbroken tears looked 100 percent legit. Or maybe it's just because Andi was arguably the realest Bachelorette to date (she is, after all, the one who cemented a spot in the heart of #BachelorNation after she confronted Juan Pablo post-Fantasy Suite date and dumped him, telling him that his fuckboy behavior was definitely not OK), and she and Josh seemed, as she says, like they were really in love.
But split they did, and now Andi is getting into — like, really getting into — the backstory. Her new book, It's Not Okay: Turning Heartbreak Into Happily Never After, is a chronicle of her breakup, from day one ("My life is officially over") to day 60, when she set off for a new life in New York City. Bachelorette fans won't be disappointed with the juicy details, even if they do have to decode the barely veiled aliases. (Hint: "Number One" will not be happy when he reads the book; "Number Twenty-Five" will be very familiar to fans of Bachelorette seasons 10 and 11; and "Number Twenty-Six" … well, without him, we wouldn't have this story at all.) But even if you've never watched a single rose ceremony, you'll have a guide to show exactly how you can get through a breakup, one day at a time, and ultimately, move on with your better-than-ever life.
What were the key things that got you through the breakup?
First of all, wine. I'm not gonna lie. And my friends, my family, and the move to New York. After we broke up, I had no boyfriend, no job, no apartment, and so really nothing to lose. Coming to New York and getting lost in the city, I was like, "Wait … Number Twenty-Six who?" That would be my advice for people going through a tough breakup. A lot of times, people will say, "You're running away from your problems." So what? Why do you have to sit there and confront every single issue? Sometimes going away is the best answer.
You delve into sex with an ex in one chapter, and you give some advice that could be controversial: Do it! Obviously you offer caveats too. But how did you know you'd be able to handle sex with an ex without getting sucked back in?
To be honest, I didn't know whether or not I would be able to move on from it. At that point, I had booked a one-way ticket to New York, which I think helped. If I didn't have an exit plan, I probably wouldn't have done it, because I might have gone back into a tailspin. But I felt the need to take control over my own life. The breakup dictated two months of my life. So I was like,
all right, I have to move on somehow. I have unfinished business. And let me tell you, I never looked back after that one relapse.
If you had met Josh off-camera, do you think your relationship would have been different?
I don't think I would've dated him as long. When you go on this show, you put your best foot forward. You're introducing yourself to the world, in a way — why would you want to show your worst qualities? I don't think he hid who he was, but the situations we were in didn't bring out his more negative traits. Like, I didn't know he had a temper because every time he was with me, it was just the two of us in a palace or something. How could you not be happy?
How do you look back on The Bachelorette now? Fondly, or with regret?
It took me a while to look back on it fondly. I definitely didn't during the breakup, and even when I was still in the relationship, when things weren't good, I didn't look at it fondly. But now I'm like, I got to do this incredible thing that I had no business doing. I have no business being on television, being on a red carpet, being on a press tour. So I can't help but look at it and feel like one of the luckiest girls in the world.
How does someone who's as practical and realistic as you end up The Bachelor?
I was so naïve. I had never really watched the show before. I knew about it, of course — my friends watched — but I couldn't tell you any of the major storylines or anything. So I was just naive enough to say, "This could be fun." I had no idea that I would be mic'd up the entire time, no idea that there would be 20 cameras at any given point … I was so sheltered, which was interesting because I didn't come out of a sheltered, naïve world, especially with the job I was doing at the time [working as an attorney in Atlanta's gang unit]. But yeah, reality television got me. Reality TV: 1; me: 0.
How did it go down when you decided to "break the rules," so to speak, and confront Juan Pablo after your fantasy suite date?
I woke up the next morning and I was like, "It's over, I'm done, there's no way." The producers were like, "Are you sure? Do you want to stick it out?" And I said, "Absolutely not." There wasn't really any back and forth — it was my decision, and they were very respectful of it. I have a feminist in me, and to be in a situation where there are 30 girls dating one man, there's already this inequality. Just because there are lots of girls and one guy, that doesn't mean that the guy gets a free pass in how he treats her. I just wasn't going to have it.
What was the most absurd moment during your time on the show?
For me, it was the very first night on The Bachelor, my first season. I remember standing in the rose ceremony room, it's 4:30 in the morning at this point, it's freezing cold, everyone is cold and nervous standing on these risers, and you could hear the teeth chattering and the deep breaths. And I watch Juan Pablo come in with a stack of roses, and I'm thinking, "This is the stupidest thing I've ever been a part of. I'm standing here cold, my feet hurt, and I'm waiting for a dude I don't know to give me a rose."
Do you watch UnReal?
I do! Chris Harrison and I argue about it: He's like, "It's nothing like [The Bachelor], blah, blah, blah…" But I always tell people that it's an overly dramatic, exaggerated version of what really happens. There are some things on it where you're like, "Yep. That happened." And then there are some things that are like, "No." Nobody jumps off the house.
Thankfully. How is dating for you now? Do you get random people fixing you up because they think they know what type of guy is good for you?
Yes. A lot of direct messages and Facebook messages; like, "My brother would be great for you," or, "My cousin has this friend!" Oh, lord, yes.
Has being on the show and writing the book changed what you're looking for in a relationship?
I figured out that I actually had no idea what I was looking for. I had this idea of what my type was — my ex was basically my type on steroids. And you see how that turned out. I feel like now I know more about what I don't want. I definitely don't want someone who's controlling. I don't want someone who feels like they can skirt around being supportive. To me, a partner is someone who has your back no matter what. Instead of you against him, it's y'all against the world. A couple of months ago, a married friend told me, "Find someone you want to be nice to, and who's nice to you." It's so simple, but so true.
Relationships aside, what's next for you?
It's funny, the book was a little bit of a secret, and I would see people online being like, "Does she work? She went from a lawyer to … what does she do now?" I didn't have a ghostwriter — it's all my writing — and I don't think people realize how much goes into it. For the past year, this book has been my baby, so it's weird that it's coming to an end. But I will say, I have been journaling.
Hmm, so a follow-up might be in the works?
There might be a follow up in the works. Some good stories come out of being single in New York.
It's Not Okay: Turning Heartbreak Into Happily Never After is out May 17 from Simon & Schuster.
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