Being our semi-regular weekly survey of the state of Our National Dialogue, which, as you know, is what Nino Temple and April Stevens would have come up with had they recorded Derp Purple.

This weekend we learned that, among elements of our elite political press, the idea is arising that the solution to the problem of He, Trump is to find a meddling plutocrat whom the elite political press believes is less of a crime against political aesthetics than is the vulgar talking yam. Which is why, for reasons that elude the logical mind, we had Mark Cuban dropping by the Overlook Hotel, where my man Chuck Todd always has been the caretaker, to share some thoughts and ambitions that nobody outside of the staff of the Overlook gave a rat's hindquarters about hearing.

Cuban is one of those people who firmly believe that his IQ can be measured precisely by his bank balance. His stewardship of the Dallas Mavericks has been marked by his obvious belief that he is the world's smartest human. He has fought with the NBA and with his fellow owners, and he regularly makes a jackass of himself at the games, riding the referees as though he were some drunk in Section 332. 

Recently, seeing the rise of He, Trump, Cuban has decided to train his mighty intellect on American politics, even though, as I said, nobody cares what he thinks. However, he's got stupid fck-you money so he qualifies as an Important Voice to my man Chuck Todd, whose hospitality was rewarded when Cuban selflessly offered himself to Hillary Rodham Clinton as her vice president—with certain conditions, of course. Hilarity ensued.

TODD: A reality TV star in his own right, last summer Cuban said Trump's campaign was good for politics. Well, I sat down with him earlier in the week, and started by asking him if Trump's candidacy has been good for the country.

Was the guy sleeping on the steam grate outside 30 Rock already booked?

CUBAN: On a longer term basis, absolutely. I think he's opened the door to non-traditional candidates, which is a great thing. I think he's taken out the traditional, you know, bullet points and political speak. That's a good thing. But those are longer term issues. In the short term, there's a lot of divisiveness and a lot of uncertainty and that's not necessarily a good thing.

As anyone who's listened to He, Trump for longer than 15 minutes can tell you, his speech is nothing but bullet points. The only thing that distinguishes his bullet points from anyone else's is that many of He, Trump's bullet points are demonstrably insane and generally have a shelf life measured in how long it takes him to get to the next rally. We continue.

TODD: Look, there's clearly a desire here for another alternative. You know, the Libertarian party still hasn't held their nominating convention. It wouldn't take much for you to get that nomination if you went down there. And your political views seem to fit more with them than any other party.

CUBAN: Yeah. I mean, I haven't really delved into the Libertarian party to know where they stand. I'm not sure they'd want to bring somebody in that isn't quite a match with their views. But, you know, it's too late for this election. I mean, just to try to wing it, just to try to shake things up, you know, the law of unintended consequences tends to create a lot more problems than it solves.

Please, Mr. Rich Person. Give me a unicorn I can ride to school tomorrow. Cuban then said some nice things about the current president. This segment did not last long.

TODD: All right, let me go back to Clinton versus Trump here. You joke that you would love to be Clinton's running mate, as long as you were allowed to throw bombs at Trump. If she really did come to you, would you listen?

CUBAN: Absolutely. But the key would be that she'd have to go more to center. I like the fact that Senator Clinton has thought out proposals. That's a good thing because at least we get to see exactly where she stands. But I think Senator Sanders has dragged her a little bit too far to the left. Things like college tuition and, you know, other business elements that really I think could hurt the economy. If she's willing to listen, if she's willing to, you know, hear other sides of things, then I'm wide open to discussing it.

Who in the fck is this guy when he's at home? Why is this segment necessary? Because my man Chuck Todd is displeased with the alternatives with which the American people, those suckers, have presented themselves, that's why.

TODD: What would it take to convince you to run in a 2020 or a 2024?

(Are those your boots? May I shine them?)

CUBAN: It's too early to tell. I mean, depending on what happened with, you know, whoever's elected, depending on what happens with the economy because the reality is, there's so much uncertainty with the economy. And neither candidate really has come up with anything even relevant to the economy, you know? And so, we'd have to see what happened. We'd have to see, you know, if Congress still does nothing or they've managed to take steps and really have an impact. There're so many variables that I don't have the answers to. I really couldn't tell you.

Time to start lining up opponents for the Clinton re-election campaign, I'm thinking. 

This was a collision of the two poles of arrogance and entitlement so powerful that it's a wonder that existence itself was there on Monday morning. 

That's how you win the House Cup, kids. Up your games.

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Headshot of Charles P. Pierce
Charles P. Pierce

Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976. He lives near Boston and has three children.