Ever since Donald Trump's first speech announcing his presidential candidacy, I noticed I started to speak like him more and more. I want to stop, but I can't. It's addictive. And for those of you who want to start, yourselves, I've come up with 10 simple rules for speaking like The Donald.
1.) Add "very" in multiples of three or "really" in multiples of two before any adjective. Trump often uses simple adjectives, but he modifies them to emphasize the importance of those adjectives. "I'm rich. Some people would say I'm very, very, very rich."
2.) Use the word "not" before any adjective and for bonus points, combined with Rule No. 1. "He is really, really a not smart person."
3.) Reference how many people have told you or asked you something. If they are not important, increase the number. If they are important, decrease the number, but note that they are either rich or important and are also a friend. "I have heard from hundreds of people that tell me that I dress very well." Or alternatively, "My friend, who happens to be a very famous fashion model, told me I dress very well."
4.) Add "I don't know, but that is what people are telling me," after Rule 3, especially if what you are saying is highly critical of someone. "Dozens of people have called me to tell me that Joe is really, really not an honest person. I don't know, but that is what people are telling me."
5.) Use this logic pattern in arguments: X is happening because of Y. When proven wrong that Y is not causing X, end your argument by confirming that "somebody is doing X." Example: "Women cause a lot of car accidents." When confronted with facts that undermine this statement, add the following: "Well, someone is causing those accidents."
6.) To any rule, you can always add the following to end your statement: "Believe me."
7.) "China" must be said as though the "i" was missing and the word "huge" must be said as "Youuuuuge."
8.) After mentioning a "country or state," feel free to simply omit future references to the country and replace the country name with "they." "California is not a good place for business. They are killing companies."
9.) Don't give details, but promise it will be "amazing." For example, when your boss comes into the office to question you on the progress of that memo that you haven't started, consider using this rule with Rule No. 6. "Oh the memo? It's going to be amazing. Believe me."
10.) Now, when you use these rules, it's important to hold your hands in one of two ways. Either hold both hands connecting the thumb and forefinger in a circle and holding the other fingers straight, or hold both hands in front of you at a 45 degree angle with palms facing each other.
Follow these simple rules and you too will be speaking very, very, very not bad. Believe me.
