If you've seen the news or read Twitter lately, you may have noticed that kindness and positivity are not exactly "having a moment." But Ellen DeGeneres is, and thank goodness for that.
It began last year, when she once again swam into our hearts as one very forgetful blue tang. Her movie Finding Dory netted more than a billion dollars worldwide. She's also amassed an army of followers: more than 46 million on Instagram, 27 million on Facebook and 70 million on Twitter, making her the sixth most followed person on the planet. This month, not only is she celebrating the 15th season of her show, which has already earned a staggering 59 Daytime Emmy Awards, but she's also expanding ED Ellen DeGeneres, her lifestyle brand, offering fashion, furniture, tableware and bedding, to include a new line of ridiculously cute baby stuff. And then there was that little thing at the White House last fall where she was awarded the highest civilian honor in our nation, the Presidential Medal of Freedom. (If you missed the ceremony, it's worth watching, but keep some tissues handy — it's impossible to watch without crying.) "Ellen has shown us that a single individual can make the world a more fun, more open, more loving place," said President Obama at the ceremony. "She reminds us to be kind to one another."
Ellen is living proof that being good to others can improve not only our own lives, but also the lives of those around us. Curled up with a dog and two of her cats on a rare day off, she opened up to Good Housekeeping to reveal the biggest unwritten-until-now rules of her life, by which we should all abide
1. Just be nice.
For Ellen, this one requires approximately zero effort to execute. Kindness is simply part of her DNA, and from her earliest days, she was always encouraged to show it. "I grew up in a pretty religious family, and the one thing I heard every Sunday was 'Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you,' " she says. "To me, still, that's the golden rule to live by, and it's not something to work at, either. It's just the way we should live. If we don't, it's chaos." In her mind, the biggest threat to civility is ignorance. "When you don't understand something, it becomes a battle. Fear makes people defensive, aggressive and judgmental," she says. "But if you can see that while we're all different, our basic needs are the same — we all want love, safety and understanding — then it's easy to be kind."
2. Stay true to yourself.
There will be times in your life when people will tell you that you have to change to be successful — dress another way, act a different way, be like someone else. Don't do it, warns Ellen. "Early on in stand-up, people told me to be edgier and curse, but that's just not who I am," she says. "It's not my style of humor, and that held me back for a while. I was neither the girl next door nor the ingenue, so nobody knew what to do with me." She never abandoned her innocent, observational style, and when she was 27, after she'd spent four hard years on the comedy circuit, Johnny Carson took notice and invited her onto The Tonight Show, where she made her now famous "Phone Call to God," complete with knock-knock jokes. Her authenticity launched her into the next level of her career.
3. Never let bullies win.
You don't have to be a child to feel the wrath of bullies. They're on the Internet, in the workplace and sometimes even in our own families. Ellen fought off a whole town of them, so she knows something about this subject. "The bullying I endured [in Hollywood] after I came out made up for the lack of it during my childhood," she says. Her sitcom was canceled, and opportunities vanished. "I moved out of L.A., went into a severe depression, started seeing a therapist and had to go on antidepressants for the first time in my life," she says. "It was scary and lonely. All I'd known for 30 years was work, and all of a sudden I had nothing. Plus, I was mad. It didn't feel fair — I was the same person everyone had always known."
But she never gave up on herself. "Eventually I started meditating, working out and writing again, and I slowly started to climb out of it," she says. Looking back, she's surprised by her own strength. "I can't believe I came back from that point," she says. "I can't believe where my life is now."
Of course, the fact that she's a mega-successful, beloved celebrity has all but silenced the bullies, but if someone lobbed an unkind word toward Ellen now, it wouldn't even register. "I don't know what people are saying about me, and I don't want to know, because I don't care," she says. "My motto is, 'I do my best. You can be with me or not.' "
4. Find a way to forgive.
Holding on to grudges will do you no good, so let them go. Ellen, for example, is now one of the most powerful women in Hollywood, and if vengefulness were in her nature, she could certainly find ways to punish those who turned their backs on her when she was at her most vulnerable. But she's long since moved on. "I definitely remember who those people were, but I've forgiven them," she says.
"I understand it. I wish it was different. Show business is a business, and what I did was controversial at the time. There were sitcoms before and after mine showing people making out and having sex, and yet my show suddenly got an 'Adult Content' warning. Nobody told me that was going to happen. I couldn't believe it the first time I saw it. It was so insulting! Now, though, when I see those people at functions, there's definitely an unspoken 'I made a mistake' on their part and also an unspoken 'I accept your apology' on mine."
The forgiveness is for her sake, not theirs. "Anger and aggression weaken you, because they take so much energy to hold in place," she says. "But kindness is a strength [that] makes you more serene."
5. Set a good example.
You can't hold those around you to higher standards than you hold yourself to. That's why on the very first day of her talk show, Ellen called an all-hands-on-deck meeting to set the staff rules. "I said, 'Everyone will respect one another. No one will yell at anybody or be disrespectful, and we work as a team. If you're not going to do that, this is not the place for you.' " Not coincidentally, the staff who launched the show are almost exactly the same people who keep it going today. Says Ellen, "We're like a family. We love each other and make each other laugh every day."
6. Make time for those you love.
When you're juggling multiple careers, and you have many people counting on you to make decisions and lead the way, it can be easy to let work take over your life. But Ellen sets strict boundaries. Every night, no matter what, she and her wife, actress Portia de Rossi, have dinner together — and on really good nights, they watch The Bachelorette too. "Portia understands me completely," says Ellen. "In our vows, she recited a quote — 'It is good to be loved. It is profound to be understood' — and to me, that's everything. What 'I love you' really means is 'I understand you,' and she loves me for everything that I am. She supports me and makes me happy."
7. Live your passions.
If you take a look at Ellen's ED Ellen DeGeneres fashion, home and pet collections and her new baby collection, you'll notice that almost every piece is emblazoned with words like "love," "happiness" and "smile" — or a picture of a cute puppy. It's a natural extension of her personality. "It was hard for me to find clothes that expressed who I was," says Ellen, who is involved in the creative process (she's especially fond of her tennis shoes). Similarly, "Architecture and furniture are my passion. I love to furniture shop," she says. It's something she does to relax. Other favorite calming pursuits: hanging with her pets, drinking a glass of wine, working out and spending time with friends.
8. Do what scares you.
If you get too comfortable, try something new. Ellen says that after a decade and a half on the air, her talk show runs like a well-oiled machine. "It's still exciting. There is so much great energy and love in that room," and that's the reason to keep doing the show, she says, at least for another several years. Not another 15, though. "I don't think my walker would get up those stairs!" she jokes. "But it's not scary at all anymore, which is why I'm starting to do stand-up again." She has a special, her first in 15 years, coming out on Netflix as soon as she finishes writing it. "I wanted to do something completely different and give people a glimpse into my life and do things I don't do on the show," she says. "The writing is scary … to sit down and write something out of nowhere that is funny enough to elicit noise out of someone else's body? It's hard." But that's why she's doing it. "I think it's good to not be too comfortable. It's good to keep growing."
9. Love who you are.
This one may be the hardest rule to live by, but it's also probably the most important. "When I was coming out, someone gave me the Martha Graham quote, 'There is only one of you in all time,' " says Ellen. "You're unique, and you're supposed to be," she adds, now paraphrasing. "It's not up to you to try to change it or question it. You're supposed to be exactly who you are. I took in that message. I always remember it. It's not up to me to question why, who or how I am. I just accept who I am, and I don't judge myself."
If that sounds like the sort of wisdom that comes with age, it may be. Ellen will be celebrating her 60th birthday in January. "In some ways, that number doesn't even compute. I can't even believe I'm going to be 60 — I'm so immature; I'm like a child," she deadpans. To anyone watching her, though, every year she seems to become only more herself. "I know this: I'm kind. I'm a good person to work with and for. I'm putting on a great show that I'm proud of and that makes people feel good," she says. "I just try to be the best person I can be."
This story originally appeared in the September 2017 issue of Good Housekeeping.
