NEW YORK—In a long-awaited initiative that city officials said would ease the stress of busy, on-the-go New Yorkers,…
Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President…
NEW YORK—Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose…
As a general rule, if your TikTok feed begins pushing you unregulated medical products, you should probably keep…
NEW YORK—Noting that the former president’s high-profile antics had made it exceedingly difficult to move ahead with…
MINNEAPOLIS—Updating its packaging to include new USDA-mandated guidelines for safe yogurt preparation, Yoplait…
SILVER SPRING, MD—Holding their fingers up under their noses, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that…
NAPLES, ITALY—In what is being hailed as a milestone in understanding the civilization that thrived in the region…
While many supporters had hoped Donald Trump would support a 15-week federal abortion ban, the former president has…
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War–era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth…
ITHACA, NY—Describing the environment as inadequate for the cognitive development of children, parenting experts at…
Despite being unable to complete a single school assignment, 13-year-old boys somehow have the patience to sit…
LAS VEGAS—With onlookers gasping as the former football star made a big show of being too big for the casket, O.J.…
WEATOGUE, CT—Delivering the message just as their daughters were getting ready to order lunch, the nation’s moms…
NEW YORK—Earning widespread acclaim from romance readers, a dildo embossed with the text “He’s a famous hockey…
While pleasuring oneself can be fun, sometimes it can be beneficial to remove your hand from your pants and give…
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